Exploring the Properties of Sand
All at once I was confronted by something entirely new: It was the process of making a type of food whose name I have conveniently forgotten. Anyway, I found it to be rather bland in its uncooked state, which forced me to ask the question, "Why does this food have an inconsistent flavour when uncooked?" Now I believe the scientific process involves first discovering something which has no known explanation, at which point one comes up with possible theories, or hypotheses, if you will, and then performs a series of experiments which will either prove or disprove the hypothesis. I of course was at a loss but my good friend Incredible Space Dracula had the answer:
It's the sand.
Average wind speeds aside, we were once again thrown into the exciting world of gambling. The most obvious question is, how does sand actually affect uncooked foods? To answer that, one must first learn the properties of sand, and where better to do that than the sandboxes or the beaches? This is of course because there are no deserts in proximity to our laboratories and such. I felt at once the need to draw up the flowchart for our latest adventure into science.
No one can disagree that this flowchart is sketchy at best. Although several possible explanations for this exist, they point to nothing involving sand. Our task fell into three distinct stages. The first stage is, as was previously noted, to determine the distinct properties of sand, especially those which relate to food, chemical or electrical processes. The second is to determine condition X. This is a deep and confusing mystery. Third is to determine process Y, which will of course solve it all. Vagrants have taken over a small section of the city near the old warehouse district. They refuse to move and claim they are protected by hobo hexes which their elders have placed on sheet metal used in the construction of their hobo fortress.
Incredible Space Dracula suggested to me that we might start learning about sand at the sandboxes, being that there were several nearby. We quickly approached the first sandbox we located, and although I said nothing, all children fled in what I can only assume was admiration for Incredible Space Dracula. But children are science wildcards and utterly disruptive to knowledge due to their apparent yellow and blue auras, so we were glad to see them gone. But back to the investigation at hand. It sounds humorous, but one important property of sand that must be mentioned is that it is sandy. We have also learned that it is related to glass in some way, but since I do not own any glass plates, nor do I cook food using glass implements, it seemed an unnecessary fact, so I would ask you at this point to disregard it. Our research seemed to indicate that sand had special properties in relation to plastic buckets, but all skeptics I've known have never given that theory much weight in the scientific community. We decided to hit the beaches.
I don't know where the beaches are.
Seventy five minutes later I was confronted by additional plastic buckets. Could the pundits be wrong? This reporter responds with a resounding yes1. I asked Incredible Space Dracula for his opinion, and although he rarely speaks in public, he said nothing. It wasn't until approximately one minute later that he began speaking, and it involved a certain logic of which I had not previously thought. Although his exact words are lost in, yes, the sands of time, his general theory was that it was not so much the buckets themselves as the plastic material of which they are composed.
It was hard to comprehend; our steps are proceeding out of order. This is unprecedented in the history of research, but we were on a roll and couldn't stop. We raced back to the lab to test the newfound properties. We were unfortunately unable to come up with an actual way in which to test the combination of plastic and sand. How is plastic related? What secrets might it hold?
We proceeded on our scientific course without the buckets for now; they will be important later for sure, but science marches on. Continuing down the path of investigation, we were inclined to carry out several mathematical science equations too complex for anyone else to understand, and the results were shocking, to say the least. Our calculations showed that when brought in contact with an unknown substance, sand is in fact, make no mistake about it, conductive to GAMMA RAYS. It sounds harmless unless you recall that the Incredible Hulk was created by gamma rays alone. Although I have not tried to eat the Incredible Hulk, last year I did come across a rather unappetizing-sounding Hungarian recipe that included an ingredient which, for the sake of science, I assume is Hulk.
The revelation of such a connection was astounding. I can't see but we had to find out what the missing component was. What causes sand to attract gamma rays? Well I need not tell those who follow this investigation closely that plastic was the obvious culprit. We set about to monitor sand and plastic in isolation, followed by a combination of the two. I was startled, as the expected gamma rays did not appear when the two were combined. Incredible Space Dracula however does not so easily take no for an answer. In quite possibly the most brilliant feat of thinking the world has seen, he created a theory to answer it all. It was as follows:
I believe he completely broke the scientific process by creating a theory so brilliant, it did not need to be proven. We must act now.